If Emma had known these things, it would have saved us both awkward moments in the first few weeks of our married life (when she looked like this):
1. Don’t give your mother a house-key. She might let herself in when Alfie is fucking you in front of the fire.
2. Don’t tell friends in the pub that Alfie gave you a pearl necklace for Christmas. Just say “a necklace” or perhaps “a string of pearls”.
3. Don’t take the expression “blow-job” too literally. Sucking is usually considered preferable.
4. Don’t leave your crotchless panties where you mother will find them and tell you they need mending.
5. Don’t expect Alfie to come as copiously the third time as he did the first - at least not before breakfast.
6. Don’t use Alfie’s safety-razor to de-fluff a sweater and then leave it for him to shave his pubes with.
7. Don’t hang a fortnight’s boxer-shorts out to dry at the same time. Your mother will ask if Alfie is incontinent.
8. Don’t shout “Come and get me while I’m hot!” from the bedroom until you’re quite sure Alfie hasn’t brought his boss home to meet you.
