If you didn’t say rabbits this morning it’s too late now. All you can do is keep your fingers crossed - and your legs open, remembering what the rabbit is most famous for. Inexhaustible sex, in case you‘re wondering. You may be sure that Emma will be going like a bunny for the whole of this month! As the Easter Bunny, the rabbit is also a reminder that, in the old pagan tradition, April was Eostramonath (Easter-month) which was sacred to Eostra, goddess of the dawn - fertility, new beginnings and all that - until the Christians fathers hijacked both the name and the festival, and took much of the fun out of it. As far as Emma and I are concerned, April is bound to be our favourite month, of course. Soon we will be off to our favourite seaside resort, to celebrate our wedding anniversary with the usual feasting and fucking. At least we try to keep the old traditions alive.

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and blossom when we love the ones we marry.

Tom Mullen

And talking of the Roman gods as expletives, Jove was a firm favourite with the Victorians - as in “By Jove, Carruthers. Look at the jugs on that!” But somehow I can’t imagine Carruthers himself, at the point of shedding his load, crying out “By Jove, Penelope!” That would have sounded ludicrous. But I seem to have digressed. My point was that, at the climactic moment, Emma and I would never think of crying “Shit!” Despite my degree in theology, we don’t limit ourselves to an appeal for divine intervention however - although I have to agree that our list of expletives is quite limited. My own preference is for “Oh fuck!” uttered with varying degrees of intensity. Emma uses the f-word, too; but only in the imperative mood (i.e. as a command). With Emma it’s always, “Fuck me!” And oddly enough, she cries, “Fuck me!” but “Shag it!” Why is that? “Harder! Harder!” is another favourite of hers. I’m less happy with “Deeper! Deeper!” When I’m already up to my balls inside her, where does she think I’m going to get the extra inches?